Summer Movies of 2013

So last week I saw GI Joe Retaliation (relatively gushing review forthcoming) and tomorrow I plan to go see 42 and weekly trips to the cinema means that the summer movie season is upon us. The “summer” movie season lasting, of course, from the middle of spring until well into fall. So it is time for me to troll through’s list of upcoming movies to see what movies look to be worth watching in the coming months, as well as some that look really bad. I will likely only see a fraction of those I list as interesting, due to constraints of time and money and living in the ass end of nowhere with only a tiny movie theater in reasonable driving distance. So what looks good to me? How about:


Oblivion: I don’t know much about it, but I generally like Tom Cruise and look at Morgan Freeman’s glasses in the previews. This one is not high on my priority list of movies to see, but it does look at least interesting.

Pain and Gain: My love for Mark Wahlberg and especially The Rock is only weighed down by how terrible every Michael Bay movie is. Since this doesn’t look to be an effects heavy turd like the Transformers movies it might be watchable. It is just hard for me to ignore so many actors I like in the same movie. I mean, they’ve got Tony Shalhoub.


Iron Man 3: I am a little less in love with Iron Man than everyone else seems to be, but the first two were both good and if the sequel ups the crazy, which it looks to do, this should be supremely entertaining. Robert Downey Jr is pretty much perfect as Stark, so it should be worth it just for him alone.

The Great Gatsby: Gatsby is one of the greatest American novels and Leo Dicaprio is always worth watching. Still, this looks gaudy in an awful sort of way. Even if it isn’t good, I am sure it will be interesting.

Star Trek: Into Darkness: I am not the biggest Trek fan, though I did like Next Generation as a kid and enjoyed the first of the reboot Trek. Abrams is usually good (Super 8 is one of my favorite movies) and I see no reason to not be excited for this.

Fast & Furious 6: I was sold by the trailer than ran in front of GI Joe. This movie looks stupid crazy. There is no way it can be actually good, but it will surely be awesome, which is really the point of this sort of thing. Count me a probably in. Plus, I love The Rock.

The Hangover Part III: No. Just no.


After Earth: On one hand, Will Smith. On the other M Night Shyamalan. Somebody else needs to see this first, and then tell me if it is any good.

Much Ado About Nothing: Shakespeare by way of Joss Whedon. This I have to see. Much Ado is one of the few of the Bards comedies that I haven’t read, so I might try to get on that before I see this version

Man of Steel: I love Superman. He is one of my favorite characters in fiction. Still, this movie alternates from looking great to scaring the crap out of me. I’ll be there opening day, and if it is as go as it should be maybe a time or two more.

Monsters University: Pixar. I’m there. Also, a sequel to one of my favorite Pixar movies, so I’m double there.

World War Z: Other people seem excited by this, I am no more that slightly intrigued. I like Pitt, but zombies don’t do anything for me. Hopefully this isn’t popular enough that I have to actually make a point to avoid it, like the Walking Dead.

White House Down: Roland Emmerich is a slightly more watchable Bay, and his movies tend to be the dumbest. Still, sometimes the dumbest is what a summer afternoon calls for, so let’s put this one at the bottom of the list of my interest.

Byzantium: This sounds interesting. Likely not playing near me, but interesting nonetheless.


The Lone Ranger: What the hell? I’ll admit to being a big fan of the first Pirates movie, then liking them significantly less with each installment. This looks dumb and borderline offensive. Still, sometimes train wrecks are entertaining.

Pacific Rim: Now we’re back on track. Idris Elba, giant robots and giant aliens. I hope to be amazed.

Grown Ups 2: Grown Ups was one of the least bad Sandler movies in the last decade, but it was hardly calling for a sequel. Even with the dearth of comedies I’m seeing, the odds of me seeing this are slim to none. While I loved Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore as a kid, I think I’ve outgrown Sandler.

Red 2: One can only hope the once dependable Bruce Willis actually bothered to show up for this, after his worthless appearance in GI Joe Retaliation. Still, the first Red was highly enjoyable.

The Wolverine: Hugh Jackman will kill all of the ninjas. I hope this is as good as a solo Wolverine movie should be, but I am wary. Still, I have always enjoyed Jackman as the character even when the movie itself isn’t any good.


300: Rise of an Empire: Does anything more need to be said about 300? It was kind of the complete story right there. Maybe this will be as visually interesting as the first movie, but I doubt it will be as good.

2Guns: Mark Wahlberg and Denzel Washington star in what sounds like a by the numbers crime thriller. Still, with those two as leads it should be entertaining.

Elysium: This looks like the year for Sci-fi movies, and this one looks very interesting.

Planes: Good God, why?

Kick Ass 2: The first person to try to tell how great this movie is will likely get popped in the jaw. Fuck you and everyone who likes this shit.

The World’s End: I am going to go out on a very sturdy limb here and say that this will be the best movie of the year. Because Shaun of the Dead almost tricked me into not hating zombies and Hot Fuzz is one of my five favorite movies. Pegg and Frost were entertaining without Wright in Paul and Wright directed the terrific Scott Pilgrim. I am almost giddy with excitement over this one.

That is what looks good or interesting to me on IMDBs coming soon page. Did I miss anything? Please, if there are any movies worth seeing that I left out leave me a comment. I always hate when I watch something on Netflix and wonder how I missed it in theaters. I think I’ve got just about everything worth paying attention to this summer, but I might have overlooked something due to lack of immediately recognizable names. Please, though, don’t try to sell me any horror movies. I have no interest in them.

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